While I was last in London 10 days ago, Luc was forced to stage an intervention when a procession of seven armoured vehicles, containing AK 47-toting soldiers got lost and ended up in the garden. If I’d been alone in the house, I think I might have been intimidated by the sight of a battalion rocking up in front of the house. Luc, not so much; he went outside, scantily clad, and escorted them off the property in reverse, to avoid damaging the lawn. He then sent them on their way, gently mocking the fact that they’d managed to get lost, despite their state of the art navigation systems. It takes some nerve to take the piss out of a bunch of soldiers with loaded machine guns, doesn’t it?

While Luc handles a battalion with ease, I struggle with a single naughty puppy. The puppy in question belongs to our neighbours and I have been taking him, their other dog and Java out during the day while they are at work. I thought, proudly, that I had everything in hand, and even convinced myself that I could easily manage a couple more dogs, when the little minx leapt up and grabbed the trailing cord my keys were on from my pocket. A frenetic, zigzagging chase through the pine trees ensued, culminating in me having to throw myself over the over-excited wriggler, rugby tackle-style. Dignified it was not, but I did regain possession of my mud-covered, dribble-splattered door keys.

Recipe for yuzu roast chicken with garlic and herbs (serves 4)

• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
• 5 garlic cloves, 1 of which should be crushed
• 1/2 teaspoon chopped rosemary, plus 2 rosemary sprigs
• 1/2 teaspoon chopped thyme, plus 2 thyme sprigs
• 1/2 teaspoon finely grated yuzu zest (or lemon zest)
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1 chicken, gutted
• 1 large onion, sliced
• 1 yuzu, cut into wedges (you can use a lemon instead)
• 1 cup chicken stock

Preheat the oven to 180°C. In a bowl, mix the butter with the crushed garlic, chopped herbs, and the yuzu zest, then season with salt and pepper. Rub the herb butter all over the chicken, piercing the chicken skin with a fork to allow the butter to seep in, then place in a roasting tin. Add the sliced onion, remaining garlic cloves and the yuzu to the top of the chicken, as well as the remaining sprigs of herbs. Pour the chicken stock over the top and roast in the oven for an hour.

Delicious served with butternut purée and green beans.

Yuzu health benefits

Yuzu is a citrus plant and fruit that belongs to the the Rutaceae family. It is often described as a cross between a grapefruit, lime and mandarin orange. It has a distinctly sour flavour, which is much more intensely fragrant than lemon. Its oil is extracted and revered for its therapeutic effect.

The yuzu is highly nutritious, particularly high is vitamin C, B vitamins, vitamin A and copper. It also contains powerful plant compounds such as carotenoids, flavonoids, and limonoids, which act as antioxidants in the body. In addition, hesperidin and naringin act as anticoagulants and antioxidants which protect the brain.

The scent of yuzu oil is particularly soothing, potentially helping reduce tension and anxiety. In one study it was shown to decrease stress markers, such as mood disturbance, tension, depression, anger, and confusion.

There is no doubt in my mind that horses chat amongst themselves. I’ve noticed a distinct pattern: horses usually arrive here quite well-disciplined, but their behaviour becomes more and more erratic the longer they stay. When Jazz arrived in September, I had rarely encountered a more angelic horse. He came when called, didn’t push and shove, lowered his head to accommodate his head collar or bridle, respected the fences, didn’t nip… Seven months on, he’s obviously been chatting with the others and picking up naughty tips because he now: takes off at full speed when I approach with the head collar, opens the field gate with his teeth, stamps his feet when his breakfast or dinner are served late, plays football with his feed bucket, and takes off to visit the neighbours’ horses without so much as a by your leave.

Thinking about the horses’ various foibles and the expressions of their ‘états d’âme’, I realised that ‘état d’âme’ is something that is almost impossible to translate correctly into English. The dictionary translation is ‘state of mind’, or perhaps ‘mood’ or ‘vein of feeling’, but it’s not that; it’s much more. It literally means ‘state of the soul’, or internal climate; it’s a unique mixture of emotion and transient thoughts. Who knew horses could be so intense!

Leeks: a multitude of benefits

Leeks, like all of the alliums are high in sulphur-based compounds such as allicin, that can help to reduce blood clotting and has prevent viruses. Alliums have also been linked to a decreased risk of certain cancers. Leeks are rich in flavonoids, which have impressive antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties. They are also a good source of vitamin K, which may reduce the risk of, amongst other things, osteoporosis. Leeks contain lutein and zeaxanthin, two substances that reduce the risk of cataracts and age-related macular degeneration.

Recipe for salmon and leek pie (serves 4-6)

• 400g puff pastry (here is my recipe)
• 50g butter
• 2 shallots, chopped
• 500g leeks, cleaned and cut into rounds
• 200ml crème fraîche
• Sea salt, freshly ground black pepper
• 500g salmon filet, cut into strips
• Fresh parsley
• 1 egg yolk

Preheat the oven to 200°C. Line a 25cm non-stick tart tin with the pastry, setting aside enough pastry to make a top. Melt the butter in a large frying pan and add the shallots and leeks. Cover and leave to cook for about 15 minutes, or until the leeks have softened, then add the crème fraîche and seasoning and set aside. Meanwhile, distribute the salmon on the pastry in the lined tart tin, then add the leek mixture, and garnish with the fresh parsley. Finally cover the tart with the pastry top and brush with egg yolk. Cook for 25 minutes.

A few weeks ago, I broke a toe on a cast iron dog bowl stand. I had been rushing outside in a panic in response to a hunter friend’s urgent gesticulations outside. (It turned out he just had a few bullets left, and wanted our permission to shoot down a hornet’s nest from one of our oak trees.) I hobbled back into the house, grabbed the crutches (they are never far from reach), then skidded across the newly-varnished floor and landed up in a another heap. The second of the day.

My toe was healing quite nicely, when I somehow got it stuck down a hole and re-broke it. As if that wasn’t silly enough, later on, at a doctor’s appointment to see if he had any good tips on reoffending broken toes, I got one-sided lockjaw from a propolis gum sweet I had taken for my sore throat. While I was trying desperately to free my teeth from the persecutory gummy, my bemused-looking doctor worried I was having a stroke. Anyway, to sum up, his advice was: ‘go home and stop moving’. I think he was referring to the healing of my poor toe, but I’m now wondering if the advice wasn’t a more general ‘go home and stop being such a pain in the arse’…

We put a coat on Bijou (of drumming-in-the-night fame) the other night, as it was going to be very cold. He was quite compliant while we kitted him out, and didn’t seem to be bothered by the extra layer. This obviously wasn’t the case, however, as the next morning he was ‘sans couverture’, and not altogether displeased with himself. He had left the blanket in a heap at the end of the field and covered it with sand.

This is not a truly authentic carbonara recipe; true carbonara has no cream (or mushrooms etc.). I think the golden rule is to be careful not to overheat and scramble the eggs when you add them to the pasta.

Parsley: a natural antihistamine

I’m allergic to tree pollen, so always try to include lots of parsley at this time of year. Parsley is a natural antihistamine, as it prevents histamine from being released from mast cells in your body. It’s a rich source of anti-inflammatory nutrients, such as apigenin and carotenoids, and also increases antioxidant levels in the blood.

Recipe for tagliatelle carbonara (serves 4)

• 400g tagliatelle
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 200g streaky bacon or pancetta, cut into strips
• 4 mushrooms, sliced
• 1 clove of garlic, crushed
• 3 egg yolks
• 8 tablespoons crème fraîche
• Sea salt, freshly ground black pepper
• Handful of chopped parsley
• 60g Parmesan cheese, grated

Put the tagliatelle to cook in salted boiling water. Add the olive oil to a frying pain, then add the strips of bacon, mushrooms and garlic. Cook until the bacon is crispy. Place the egg yolks in a bowl, then add the crème fraîche, seasoning and parsley. Once the pasta is cooked, drain, saving a little of the water for the sauce. Add the pasta to the bacon and mushroom mixture the frying, then the egg/cream mixture, turning the heat right down. Top with the grated Parmesan and serve.

‘I’ve forgotten my passport’, I yelled urgently to Luc as we turned onto the motorway towards Bordeaux. He reassured me that everything was under control, and that I wouldn’t be needing my passport for this trip. Little did I know just how apt the word ‘trip’ was going to prove . I’m generally not good with medical establishments, and total denial that I was on my way to spend a few days in one was my way of coping. I wasn’t heading to the airport, but a pain management clinic (for EDS).

As soon as we arrived, I told Luc he could ‘abandon me’, martyr-style. He did just that, quickly and without hesitation, probably before I could change my mind. I could hardly blame him though: The poor man had spent over an hour in the car with me, listening to me whine and invent crazy excuses to get out of my upcoming confinement.

Stoned

As it turns out, my fears were groundless. I basically attended a five-day rave, spending the majority of my time out of my mind on ‘Special K’ (ketamine: a horse tranquilizer). Admittedly some of the treatments were less relaxing; being tasered (or electromagnetic field therapy as they insist on calling it), for example, although I suspect the ketamine meant that I could be run over by a truck, and not be too fazed. I was a little worried about the ‘suicide vest‘ I was kitted out with for the sleep study, especially as I have a tendency to electrocution. When I mentioned my concern to the technicien, he just said ‘don’t worry, in theory it should be fine’. I felt like saying: ‘You don’t know me, if there’s someone who’ll manage to detonate a sleep study outfit, it’s me!’

If at all possible, try to make the most of asparagus while it’s in season; It is a fantastic source of antioxidants, folate, fibre, vitamins and minerals.

Recipe for asparagus quiche (serves 6 – 8)

Ingredients for pastry:

• 220g flour (I used spelt flour)
• 100g butter
• Cold water

Ingredients for filling:

• 4 asparagus, peeled and cut into rounds
• 1 tablespoon of olive oil
• 2 shallots, sliced
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
• 2 eggs
• 150 ml double cream
• 50 mg Cheddar, Parmesan or Comté cheese, grated

To make the pastry, begin by cutting the butter into small cubes. Add to the flour in a mixing bowl and add a pinch of sea salt. Blend by hand until the mixture becomes crumbly. Add the cold water, mixing rapidly with a spoon. Remove the mixture from the bowl onto a lightly floured surface. Knead until you obtain a ball of pastry (if the mixture isn’t ‘sticky’ enough to form a ball, you may need a drop more water). Wrap in a clean cotton tea towel and leave to ‘rest’ in the fridge for about two hours. This relaxes the dough and makes it easier to use. Preheat the oven to 200°C. Roll out the pastry on a clean, lightly floured surface and line the tart tin. 

For the filling, begin by frying the asparagus rounds and sliced shallots in a little olive oil, then arrange in the pastry case. Break the eggs into a small bowl and add the cream and seasoning (salt, pepper, nutmeg). Beat well to form a homogenous mixture. Add some grated cheese and then pour the egg and cream mixture over the top. Cook at 200°C for 25 minutes, or until the top is golden-brown.

Well that was awkward: I just had to call the vet to say that Java wouldn’t be able to make her 3pm appointment because I couldn’t find her. Embarrassment-wise, it was on a par with the time I turned up to the vet appointment, on time but minus dog. Java came back a couple of hours later, having apparently taken part in a mud wrestling contest, before putting herself through an aggressive washing machine rinse cycle. I dragged her to the vet anyway, where there was a man asking for something for his parakeet’s itchy eyes. WTAF? Full points to parakeet owner though, for noticing his parakeet’s bothersome eyes. And zero points to me for failing to kit her dog out with a straitjacket.

Pine tree pollen is falling thick and fast, which means that everything has a thick covering of fluorescent yellow dust. (Perhaps this was the parakeet’s problem.) I bumped into a neighbour yesterday — quite literally as it happens; the layer of pollen on my glasses was that thick — who said that it was a sign that the coming winter would be very cold. I said that I couldn’t look that far ahead at the moment, as I was desperately trying to get through the spring without causing myself grievous bodily harm.

A few weeks ago I talked about Luc’s beloved tractor falling sick. It’s back home again, fighting fit, much to its devoted owner’s absolute delight. While I’m very happy for them, I can’t help feeling as if his mistress has come back, lithe and tanned from a long holiday. Especially when he says things like ‘when are we eating, have I got time to take the tractor out for a quick spin?’

The benefits of fennel for digestion

Alone in my kitchen, like a tractor widow, I tend to use fennel quite a lot. Fennel is part of the anise family and very commonly used in Mediterranean cuisine. It is one of the best vegetables for digestive problems and contains a cocktail of essential oils that give its characteristic aniseed smell. The chemicals contained in the essential oils are powerful antispasmodics, meaning they help to relax the wall of the gut. Use with immoderation!

Recipe for salmon and fennel tagliatelle (serves 4)

• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1 onion, chopped
• 1 fennel bulb, chopped
• 1 garlic clove, crushed
• 125ml dry white wine
• Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 1/2 teaspoon chilli powder
• 200g tagliatelle
• 200g salmon filets, precooked and sliced
• A handful of chives, chopped
• 50ml crème fraîche
• Parsley, freshly chopped

Heat the olive oil in a medium frying pan and ad the onion, fennel and garlic. Cook until the fennel softens. Add the wine and seasoning and simmer until the liquid reduces by about half. Meanwhile cook the tagliatelle. Add the salmon, chives and crème fraîche to the frying pan, mixing well. When the tagliatelle is cooked, combine in the frying pan and sprinkle with parsley.

I am half way through a thermal cure at the moment. In France, if you have a painful body and a doctor’s prescription, you’re good to be smothered in healing mud, and soaked in thermal water for three weeks. You might think that three weeks of pampering would be relaxing, make you happy, and possibly even alleviate the need to whinge. And it is for most people. With the exception, of course, of the person that constantly insisted on seeking me out. She had issues. In fact, her issues had issues: The water was too warm, the therapists late (three whole minutes in one case, can you believe?), the massages too tiring, the food too filling, the coffee too strong, the mineral water too ‘minerally’, and the sun too bright. The upshot was that she decided that she wasn’t coming back. I said that I was certain that a little ray of sunshine like her would be sorely missed; she was so distracted naval gazing that she took the comment at face value.

My hairdresser, who is a hunter (incongruous, but true), told me that this year, we should fill used tights with human hair to keep the grape-bud-munching deer at bay. Following last year’s catastrophe, when the deer ate the buds as soon as they appeared, we were ready to try anything. Except that now I crick my neck doing a double take every time I look at the vines with the narcoleptic, overweight hamsters bobbing in the breeze. I think I preferred the deer!

Health benefits of broccoli

Broccoli contains glucoraphanin , a compound that converts into a potent antioxidant called sulforaphane during digestion. It also contains the antioxidants lutein and zeaxanthin, which prevent oxidative stress and cellular damage in your eyes. Broccoli also contains bioactive compounds that reduce both inflammation and insulin resistance in the body. It is rich in fibre and probiotics, both of which contribute to digestive and gut health. It is also an excellent source of vitamin K, calcium, potassium, manganese, phosphorus, zinc and vitamins A and C as well as folate.

Recipe for pasta with broccoli sauce (serves 4)

• 8-10 broccoli florets
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 2 shallots, chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, crushed
• 4 anchovies
• 6 black olives, stoned and chopped
• Sea salt, freshly ground black pepper
• 50ml cream
• Parmesan cheese, freshly grated

Cook the broccoli in salted water until ‘al dente’ and then chop into smaller pieces. Then cook the pasta in the broccoli water. Gently fry the chopped shallots in olive oil until transparent, and add the broccoli and garlic. Add the anchovies and olives and continue to fry for a few minutes. Season to taste, add the cream, stirring well and bring to a simmer. Add the sauce to the pasta. Grate the parmesan cheese over the top just before serving.