Kombucha, bossy, big brother Britain, and dead moles

I lived in London for the first 22 years of my life, and managed to dodge arrest. Admittedly I resorted to mild flirtation on occasion, but still, my point stands. In the past five years, every single time I go back — which is very frequently — I seem to break at least one law, more often several, and mostly inadvertently.

I’ve always considered France to be far more authoritarian than the UK; in reality it’s bordering on a police state. Having said that, in France, it is generally accepted that laws are made to be broken. By comparison, in the outwardly-welcoming UK, you are likely to be breaking ‘stealth’ laws without even knowing. And these ‘stealth’ laws have a life of their own and multiple at an alarming rate.

Every single time I am in London, in a hire car, I get at least one parking ticket, and one speeding ticket. Even using Satnav/GPS, it’s far too easy to break the speed limit. WTF is it with all the 20mph zones splattered everywhere? It’s dangerous too; I spend more time nervously glancing at the speed limit on Waze than I do looking at the road! And the so-called ‘smart roads’ emit very uncomfortable, tyrannical vibes.

When I went in June, I outdid myself with a parking ticket, two speeding tickets and a threat of a £1,000 fine from TV licensing (totally unwarranted — they just didn’t believe there were no televisions in a five bedroom house). The worst thing is, the parking fine was for stopping, not even parking. What happens if you break down? Do you get fined for that too?

I start to feel guilty before disembarking from the plane now. It’s unnerving and I hate it. Next month I’m driving to London. Watch this space for details of the havoc I’ll create with French number plates and a left-hand drive car!

I know of several laws I’ll be breaking before I even get there: It’s apparently illegal to carry a plank of wood along a pavement, and it’s illegal to be drunk in a pub. I’ll certainly do the former as I’m in the process of emptying the garage of my mother’s house, and possibly the later when drowning my sorrows over all the fines I’ll be accumulating!

Another thing that is unnerving me at the moment, is Java’s insistence on trailing a dead mole everywhere with her, like a security blanket. It’s not too bad when she and her ‘cuddly toy’ are outside, but the other night she brought it into bed with her (I want to point out that I hadn’t realised, or I’d have confiscated it!). Still, luckily for Java I’m very easy-going and won’t be arresting her for molicide. That said, I am trying to wean her off the dead mole with something a little less putrid!

Health benefits of kombucha

Kombucha is a fermented tea that offers health benefits, primarily due to its probiotic, antioxidant and bioactive compounds.

Gut health is improved as kombucha’s probiotics help balance your gut microbiome, benefiting digestion, and aiding constipation, diarrhea and symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. Kombucha also supports immune health as it contains antioxidants and B vitamins that help protect cells from damage. The fermentation process increases antioxidant levels in the drink and helps protect against cell damage linked to chronic illnesses.

Compounds that are formed during the fermentation process can help combat harmful bacteria and may help liver detoxification. Kombucha also helps regulate blood sugar levels, and reduces fat accumulation.

Recipe for kombucha (makes 1 litre)

Ingredients:

• 1 litre water (preferably filtered)
• 2 tablespoons black or green tea (loose or in tea bag form)
• 80g cane sugar
• 1 SCOBY (kombucha culture)
• 100ml previously fermented kombucha (starter)

Equipment:

• Large glass jar (at least 1 litre capacity)
• Clean cloth and rubber band to cover the jar
• Airtight glass bottle (optional for second fermentation)

Bring the water to a boil, add the tea and steep for 15 minutes. Remove the tea (either using a tea strainer, or by removing the teabags), and dissolve the sugar in the hot tea. Allow the tea and sugar mixture to cool at room temperature. Pour the cooled tea into the glass jar, and add the starter kombucha and SCOBY. Cover with the cloth and secure with the rubber band.

Leave the mixture to ferment at room temperature, out of direct sunlight, for 7-10 days. Taste after a week and leave to ferment longer if you want more acidity/less sweetness. When the kombucha is ready, remove the SCOBY for your next batch. Pour the kombucha into bottles and ferment a further 2-3 day for added fizziness before refrigerating.

The kombucha will now be ready to drink. If you would like flavoured kombucha, you should add the desired fruit, herbs or spices just before bottling.

Ideas for flavours:

• Lemon and ginger
• Strawberry and basil
• Raspberry and lime
• Peach and thyme
• Mixed herbs
• Mojito
• Apple and cinnamon
• Orange and mint
• Vanilla and orange zest
• Pineapple and raspberry
• Chai spices

Use fresh fruits and herbs for the best flavours, and bear in mind that these should be added after the initial fermentation, during bottling, for best results.